I Don't Know What to Say When Someone Dies

“Brothers, we don’t want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, 

or grieve like the rest of men

Who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him.”

2 Thessalonians 4:13-14

This week, I have run across two very moving posts by friends on Facebook.  Both were about very personal and difficult grief.  One man was writing about an old college friend who died of cancer, and the other man wrote about his grief following the sudden loss of his adult son.  Whenever I see such posts I struggle to know how to respond or if I should.  What could I write that would make any difference?  Should I press the “like” option with the thumbs up or the “sad” option with the crying face?  This is not a struggle that is unique to me.  Over 30 some years of ministry I have heard this again and again.  Someone is going to visit a grieving friend but they are uncomfortable.  “Pastor,” they will say to me, “I don’t know what to say.”

I thought today, I might offer some thoughts about that.  I am no expert. What I offer in this blog is simply what I have learned from being a Pastor and from my own personal experiences of grief.  I hope these thoughts might in some way be helpful. 

The biggest thing I have learned is that being present is what is important, not so much what you say.  Years ago, I was called to the side of a young wife who had just found out that her husband had been killed by a drunk driver.  I doubt very much if she remembers anything I said to her that day.  What mattered most is that I was there.  When my sister died, I remember how much it meant to me that so many of my friends showed up at the funeral.  When we did my dad’s committal in my hometown, once again it was the fact that so many of my old friends came.  Their presence was a comfort.  It says, you care enough to take time to be there. 

Be comfortable being quiet!  That’s far more important than talking.  Sometimes they will just want to sit there and say nothing.  That’s okay.  Silence can be important.  Sometimes, they will want to talk.  While they do, they may laugh or they may cry.  Let them.  Listen. Listening often communicates more love and care than any word you might say.  Listening shows that you are interested in them, in what’s going on in their hearts.

Use your love language and seek to speak theirs.  Mine is affirmation.  People telling me how much they loved my dad or my mom, meant a lot.  One pastor came to shine my shoes for the trip north.  Service was his love language.  On the day of my mom’s death, our church music director posted a beautiful piece of music to my Facebook page – “E’en So Lord Jesus Quickly come” by Paul Manz.  I cried as I listened to the beautiful words.  It really helped.  Music was his love language.

Remember, even if you have lost someone yourself, you can empathize but you really don’t know how they feel.  So don’t pretend to.  It’s okay.  Even though I had lost my dad, I learned very quickly that I didn’t really understand what Linda was going through when her mom died.  She had her own unique experience of grief as daughter who had lost her mother.  My job was simply love her as best I could. 

Giving permission is also important.  What I mean is - don’t tell people how they should or shouldn’t feel.  People will feel all sorts of different emotions – sadness, depression, guilt, anger.  They need to feel those emotions.  They need to cry.  It helps.  Don’t suddenly decide that they should be through with their grief.  Everybody grieves at their own pace.  One person, knowing I had lost my dad, asked if the grief and pain every goes away.  I said, “No.  My dad’s death still hurts.  I still miss Him.  You just get used to it.”  It’s true. It’s been 22 years since my father died and I teared up again this morning.

As the days, weeks, and months go by, don’t be afraid to talk about the one who died with your grieving friend.  Nothing hurts worse than when people stop talking about them, stop mentioning them.  You feel like everyone has forgotten someone that you never want to forget.  Yes, when you mention their loved one’s name, they may cry.  It’s okay.  They want to talk about their friend or their dad or whomever.  They love hearing your stories and knowing that their loved one mattered to you too. 

Finally, have confidence in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The good news of Christ’s resurrection and victory over death makes all the difference in the world.    Yes I still grieve and miss my dad, but what joy and comfort there is in knowing that because of Jesus I will see him again in heaven! Indeed the death of a loved brings home the importance of faith more than any other event in life. Paul’s words to the Thessalonians are true -  “Brothers, we don’t want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or grieve like the rest of men who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him.”

In other words, don’t worry about what to say.  Just love your grieving friend.  Amen.