When Good Days Become Tough Days

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (ESV)

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

My mind is on my sister Lois today.  Her husband Tim died a couple of months ago.  The reason I am thinking about this is that Facebook reminded me this morning that today would have been Tim’s birthday.  You know for most of us birthdays are days of celebration, a time to give gifts, to eat cake, and go out for dinner with the birthday boy.  But when that person dies, all that changes.  Good days - like birth days, anniversaries, holidays and the like – suddenly become tough days.  This is especially true during that first year after a loved one’s death.  After someone close dies you, of course, miss them every day.  But on the special days like a birthday or Christmas, your grief comes quite easily to the surface.  The pain of his or her death becomes even sharper.  This continues to some extent even after the first year.  Every year after my dad’s death, the month of February (the month of his death), became a really hard month for my mom.  Someone, who lost her mother, asked if you ever stopped hurting, stopped missing your loved one.  I replied, “No.  You just get used to it.”

So, what do you do when those tough days come?  Well if you are having a tough day, have a tough day.  Its no use denying your grief or putting on a brave face.  There is also no need to feel guilty if its not a tough day for you.  Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel.  There is nothing wrong with grieving.  St. Paul doesn’t tell us not to grieve.  He simply wants to be sure that we know that in our grief we have the hope won for us by Jesus dying and rising again.  So, go ahead and grieve.

For me, I would find a way to remember that person.  Look at pictures.  Call someone else who is also missing that other person – and share some memories.   I know one mom who lost a child shortly after birth.  Every year since, she still celebrates that child’s birthday. 

Folks, if you know someone is grieving, facing one of these tough days.  Don’t be afraid to reach out.  Share that you miss them too.  Use the name of the person that died.  Don’t be afraid of the other person’s tears.  It means a lot that you want to talk about him or her, that you remember, that you are willing to listen.   That’s what Paul is talking about in 2 Corinthians – “so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

This may sound strange – but one thing that I have found helps me and has helped others is to talk or write to the person you have lost.  As long as they don’t answer back, you aren’t crazy.  I like to do this when I go to my mom and dad’s grave alone.  I tell them about our kids, and grand kids, about all the things that have been happening in our lives.  I know they aren’t there.   You can’t send them any letter you might write.  But its okay to say out loud or write down all the things you would love to tell them if there were still alive.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel.  If you cry, you cry.   If you laugh, you laugh.  Its been 23 years since my dad died and I am writing this blog with tears in my eyes.

Finally look forward.  Remember the heart of our comfort – that because of Jesus, His death for our sins and His resurrection victory over death – there is a grand reunion coming.  One day Jesus will come again to raise up me and all the dead and to give to all believers in Christ eternal life.  I can’t wait on that day to see my sister Roberta, my mom and dad and Tim, and so many others – as we stand rejoicing before God’s throne – singing His eternal praise.  On the tough days, remind yourself that God’s best day is still to come.